Chandler gently shook the sleeping woman until her eyelids fluttered open. “Excuse me, miss?” he said. “I think you may have stumbled into the wrong house.”
The woman sat up and rubbed her eyes. “No I didn’t.” She looked at him. “I live here, dummy. You brought me home.”
Chandler stared. He hadn’t brought any women home. Women never came home with him! Was she drunk? He sniffed the air, but there was no trace of alcohol. Drugs, maybe? “Who are you?” he asked.
The woman broke into a wide grin. “You don’t recognize me, do you? I’m Elisa!”
“Funny,” said Chandler. “That was the name of my guinea pig.”
“I know,” said Elisa. “You named me Elisa. You set me free, remember?”
Oh boy. This woman was completely bananas. Chandler pulled out his phone and googled the name of the nearest mental hospital.
“What are you doing?” asked Elisa.
“Trying to find somebody to take you home.” To the funny farm, he added to himself. Did people still call it the funny farm?
Elisa hopped to her feet. “You don’t believe me,” she said. “You think I’m making this up.”
“Well, yeah.” Chandler followed her into the hallway. “You want me to believe that you were my guinea pig, but now you’re human?”
“Not fully human,” she said, pursing her lips. “Not yet. You set me free, so I became mostly human. But I can only become completely human after I complete my mission to make you happy.”
“I’m already happy.”
“No you’re not. You said so yourself. You won’t be happy until you’re rich, fit, and married to the woman of your dreams.”
“How do you know that?” Chandler gaped at her.
“You told me when I was in my cage,” she said. “Now listen, I’m going to grant your wishes. Then as soon as you’re happy – like really, incredibly happy, then I’ll become permanently human, and I’ll be on my way.”
“Wait wait wait…you’re telling me that you grant wishes, like a genie? So that makes you a genie pig. Get it? Genie pig, like a guinea pig?” He threw his head back and laughed.
“Very funny,” she said. “Now how about you describe your dream wife for me?”
He smirked. “This whole thing is ridiculous, you know. But anyway, my dream wife is gorgeous – blonde, great figure.” He used his hands to draw a curvy shape in the air. “Hot, like a model.”
Elisa rolled her eyes. “That’s it?”
“Well, yeah.” What more did he need? “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get some stuff done. Make yourself at home, I guess.” He headed off to shower then headed down to the kitchen, where he found Elisa waiting.
“She’s almost here,” said Elisa.
Tired of this bizarre game she was playing, Chandler turned to wash the dishes, ignoring Elisa. With the water running, he didn’t hear the footsteps outside. Nor did he hear the light rap on his door. Not until he felt the light breeze as the door opened did he pause and turn his head.
“Chandler, meet your new wife,” said Elisa.
Lair of the SSStoryteller 